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So, I’m on a business trip. On this trip I will meet upwards of 100 people who can help me reach the goals I have carefully set for myself over the past year. I need to be charming, outgoing and likeable, and I need to do this without any social crutches. Like, say, toothpaste. Or deoderant.
I told the kids we could watch a movie last night, IF they could decide on one without killing each other. Mimi chose “Annie.” Wixi put up a good fight until he realized that his efforts were futile against the master negotiator. We built a fort, popped some corn and settled in.
I had to do some fast talking about why Ms. Hannigan is so mean and slurry and wobbly and drinking “water” from her bathtub, but ohmygod do I love Carol Burnett. At bedtime I expected a few more questions, but they were pretty tired, so I lucked out.
Until this morning.
On the way to school Mimi wanted to know exactly these things:
(you may be able to tell that I got in WAY over my head):
1. Why are there orphanages in the first place?
2. You mean some kids DON’T HAVE PARENTS?
3. Are there boy orphanages too or do parents only not want girls?
4. Are there more boys or girls in orphanages?
5. Why do you know that there are more girls in orphanages in China, but you don’t know if there are more girls in orphanages in America?
6. What does population mean?
7. Why is China so mean?
8. If all the people from China wanted to come to America, would we have trouble with OUR population and then you would have to send me to an orphanage?
9. Do you promise not to send me to an orphanage?
10. Mom, can we send Wixi to an orphanage?
I am always running into people that I feel I know somehow, but I just can’t place them out of context. Working at a university, I can pass by people for years without really knowing them. And then there are the other daycare parents – some I’ve come to know well, and others I know on a smile and nod basis. I see these people everywhere and never quite know how to gauge my friendliness meter. I err on the side of overly friendly, which isn’t bad, but I’d love not to have that moment of panic wash over me to begin with.
What I wish is that we all walked around with our own tag cloud floating behind us like some sort of ethereal shawl. That would help a lot. Is that weird?
I shop to make myself feel better. I admit it. It’s definitely a coping mechanism for me. If I’m feeling unsettled, the first place I head is J. Crew. Nothing takes the edge off like a cashmere sweater. It doesn’t have to be clothes though. Sometimes I head to the grocery store thinking that if I just buy all the right ingredients, the gourmet meal will come and my family will look at me adoringly and wonder what they would do without me. Eat PB&J. That’s what they would do – and they’d be a happy about it. The point is, it doesn’t matter what I’m buying, I just like to spend money.
I’ve tried lots of different tactics to curb my spending:
- Putting myself on a “budget”
- Changing the name of the budget to “spending plan”
- Putting a set amount of cash in envelopes
- Putting a buying freeze on one particular category (like clothes)
- Leaving all methods of payment in the car but still allowing myself to stroll through the stores
- Not allowing myself in stores at all – not even the grocery store
By far the most successful tactic has been the last one, unfortunately. Apparently I have no self control at all. Even a harmless purchase like q-tips can lead me to spend $50 on pedicure paraphernalia.
Given the economy (and the fact that I have NO BUSINESS even thinking about cashmere sweaters and pedicures), I think it’s as good a time as any to go cold turkey. Incidentally, I was poking around at Get Rich Slowly the other day and found this post in the archives – at least there is some science behind my shameful shameful ways. BTW, Get Rich Slowly is an awesome site for personal finance information and support. Check it out.
When I was in college I worked at a tv station that recorded all of the University football home games and played them back for the fans who were not satisfied watching the game IN PERSON. Apparently, there are people who will come home after watching a four-hour game and watch it again on tv because they couldn’t actually SEE anything in person (in fact, I married one of them after he completely misrepresented himself during our courtship).
One Saturday, they let me run the field camera down on the sidelines mixed in with all the huge sweaty players and the photographers who actually knew what they were doing. I was very excited and wanted to impress the Director, who was up in the press box and talking to me through my headset. Eventually, I got my chance when one of our players intercepted the ball way at the other end of the field and started running toward us down in the end zone.
Luckily, this player was in my shot when he grabbed the ball out of the air and started running. The Director was yelling “Stick with him! Stick with him!” and my heart was pounding about out of my chest. In order to see clearly through the viewfinder with my right eye, I closed my left eye and held my shot as steady as I could as the player got closer and closer. Then I started zooming in on the ball. As a tv production student, I wanted to show off just how tight and steady I could get. As the player got closer, I zoomed in even tighter on the ball. The ball. The Ball. I’ve got to show that ball. As the roar of the crowd cheered me on, I zoomed in even tighter so that the ball was all I could see getting closer and closer. I rolled my focus continuously, never taking my eye off that ball.
And then everything went silent. And dark. It was as if I had slipped under a wave. I floated in blackness for a few seconds, and when I resurfaced, I saw the camera lying crushed next to me – washed up on the sidelines. Receding was the line of 250 pound football players that had chased that player with the ball out of bounds and flat on top of me.
This is my reminder to always look at the big picture.
The other day my mother-in-law brought over a dvd of The Cosby Show. I’m not sure which season, but Rudy is still tiny and ridculously cute. I remembered loving that show, but I was seriously doubtful that my kids would go for it.
As usual, I was wrong.
Mimi was sick yesterday, so I stayed home with her and we watched the whole dang thing. She ate pancakes and ice cream (sore throat) and never left the couch – just like me when I was her age. Man, I loved sick days….
It was striking to me how different The Cosby Show is from what’s on tv today (yes, now I’m officially from the olden days). While I watched, I kept thinking – Wow, here’s a show where the parents are smart and funny! Hey, these kids aren’t sarcastic, know-it-all brats! This family is loving and respectful and tight – even when they’re angry at each other!
I know it’s still just a tv show, but I honestly hadn’t realized how far away we’ve gotten from intelligent family television. TV with a creative, thoughtful script that isn’t just a constant set-up for a string of one-liners.
The best news is that Mimi loves it (and she hasn’t even seen the episodes with Raven (That’s So Raven) Simone yet.
Next up: Family Ties. If Hello Kitty, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and My Little Pony can make a comeback from the 1980’s – so can Alex P. Keaton.
Okay, maybe my subject line is a little over the top. I’m feeling dramatic these days.
When Mimi turned six we decided to experiment with giving her an allowance, even though I knew it was going to be a huge pain in the butt. She proved me right when upon hearing of our plans she said, “But, I don’t really DO anything.” Yes, we know sweetie. The party’s over.
Like most everything we do, it’s been kind of a half-a**ed attempt to teacher her some general personal finance principles (you can see where she gets her work ethic). Pay day is supposed to be Friday, but I never have any cash, so I have to buy myself some time with promises of 2% interest or an extra brownie after dinner. Or, I might get really desperate and say, well, “What did you do this week to earn your allowance?”
I do not recommend this approach. I do not recommend it especially if your child has the ability to debate an issue better than any of our current political candidates. Our child should be negotiating contracts for union workers across the country. She is particularly adept at pointing out the unfair labor practices we uphold against her compared to her 4 year-old brother.
Still, even with all the struggles we’ve encountered, we are much better off giving her a set amount of money and letting her decided how to spend (and save) it. I absolutely do not feel pressure to buy her anything at the store anymore. As a working (outside the house) mom, I was especially prone to guilt-induced buying sprees. Her allowance is my insurance policy against that.
It’s very satisfying to be in line at the grocery store and not have a child throwing a fit for some candy. Now she’s much more likely to become indignant at the fleecing of America’s kids – “$1.50 for a lousy pack of gum!?!?”
Indeed.
Mimi likes to watch Funniest Home Videos on Sunday nights. She’s watched at least part of it every week since she was about 3 or 4. It started as just a little treat after her bath and before books and bed. Tonight, I see that maybe this was not such a good idea.
Wixi was watching with us this time (he usually likes to watch old-school Tom and Jerry cartoons on the computer for this little period before bed). He wasn’t quite sure what was so funny about the poor dad who got whacked in the privates with a plastic baseball bat. I had to explain that none of the people or animals in the clips were hurt too badly, or they wouldn’t have sent the videos in. Probably.
I tried to reinforce how it’s never okay to laugh at people who are hurt in real life. Our reaction should always be kind and helpful and loving in REAL LIFE. Conversely, trampolines are a bad idea both on television and in real life.
Every once in awhile I have an out of body experience. It usually happens in the evening after we’ve all been sitting around watching Animal Planet for too long. I might notice first that everyone has fallen silent. I take a look around and see that the slack-jawed zombie stare has settled in on my family.
I imagine that I am a stranger from an earlier, simpler time. Peeking in the window, I wonder – why are these people sitting so still and staring at that box? Seriously, they are just staring at it. No one is talking, laughing, writing in a leatherbound journal with a quill pen. Nothing. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.
It’s usually enough to jolt me awake and yell something like – Hey guys, let’s play charades!
Here are some basic guidelines that we USUALLY follow when it comes to watching TV in our house:
1. Consiously choose which shows to watch and record them for viewing times that are convenient to us.
2. Watch kids shows together and ask questions about what’s going on.
3. Point out the cool tricks adverstisers use in commercials to try and get us to buy products.
4. Read books with similar themes to the shows the kids are watching.
5. Turn off the tube while they play (we struggle with this because the parental units like having it on).
That last one reminds me of an article I read awhile back in the NY Times about TV background noise. Check it out. Does your family have rules or guidelines for TV watching?
The other day Wixi and I were bouncing along in the car on the way home from pre-school and, without thinking too much about it, I asked him to tell me a story about something that happened at school that day. He said (more or less) that he couldn’t really tell me a story because it might not be any good. I immediately started to reassure him about how much I LOVE his stories. How I think he’s a fantastic storyteller. How he could tell me that he ate pb&j and took a nap and I would be riveted to his every word. And then I started actually listening to myself.
This was a pretty typical scene for us, really. I’m always quick with words of praise for my kids because I really do love everything they paint or draw or sing or say (well, almost everything). But, deep down I know this is not really a great thing to do – especially now that they’re getting older.
So, I changed tactics right there in the car. I told him that yes I do like his stories, but they could be even better if he keeps practicing. The more stories you tell, the easier it will be for you too, I said. I think he was really struck by the idea that I thought he had room for improvement.
Then we got into a neat discussion about how he’s working on his letters. I pointed out that he’s really good with all the letters in his name because he practices them a lot. He thought this was really interesting and decided he would try harder to work on letters that he doesn’t normally use – even though he doesn’t like to work on them because it’s hard to get them perfect, and the letters in his name he can do PERFECTLY. Ah, so true. Don’t you just love the wisdom of a pre-schooler?
I’ve been working on trying to be less of a perfectionist myself, lately. One site I find to be really helpful is The Happiness Project. Gretchen Rubin is a pro at giving concrete examples and ideas for finding your own true happiness.
